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A DREAM OP BACHELORS 



By iJra Story 



'^^^hOA^^X 









. 



A Dream of Bachelors: 

Jin (Bv'tt Poem. 

BY URA STORY. vr^wv^. 

* t 

WITH AN INTRODUCTORY PREFACE BY FATHER BUSONI. 



" There are more things in heaven and earth 
Than are dreamed of.^' 

Shakespeare. 




LOUISVILLE, KY. 

PRINTED BY JOHN P. MORTON AND COMPANY. 

1886 






COPYRIGHTED 

By TOM. S. TURNER. 

1886 



DEDICATION 



^0 tl)e fairest of gtrU, 
'^0 tl)c briflljtcst 0f pcarU 

^l)at '^imc ctier iDrcugljt; 
€0 tl)e sunniest beautp 
^bat etier iTouc fUtu t0, 

€t)i0 off'ring is broiigljt. 

\Kra ^t0rp. 



TNTRODUCTIOK 



Tis said, **of the making of many books there is 
no end;" and again, that ^'some books are lies frae 
end to end." Whether the author of ''A. Dream of 
Bachelors " was ignorant of these two facts, or chose 
to ignore them, I am unable to state. At any rate, 
he has seen fit to write what he terms an ' ' Epic 
Poem," and the responsibility of its publication, alas! 
has fallen to me, a task I in no wise appreciate ; and 
were the circumstances other than they are, I should 
not undertake it. But long ago Ura Story, who is 
the author of this Dream of Bachelors, being a friend 
and boon companion of mine, confided to me his inten- 
tion of writing an ** epic poem," which, he assured me, 
would be unlike any thing that had hitherto appeared 
in the walks of literature. The work he did not de- 
sign publishing during his life- time, as he was engaged 



B INTRODUCTION. 

in the mercantile business, and feared that the fact 
of his being a poet, were it to become known, would 
injure his commercial standing, as there is a universal 
impression that poets and business, being so uncon- 
genial, are nearly always sure to make the most mis- 
erable failures. Without acquainting me with the na- 
ture of the prospective epic, he desired to know if I 
would undertake the publishing of it after his death. 
I gladly consented, imagining the flattering notices I 
would receive for patronizing genius. In due course 
of time I received information of the completion of 
the work. 

My friend, no doubt observing the anxiety with 
which I awaited his death, and the opportunity of 
becoming celebrated by the medium of patronization, 
being a generous-natured soul, died. 

But after his death, when the MS. was placed in 
my hands, imagine my horror upon discovering the 
nature of the so-called epiel For the first time my 
eyes were opened to the folly of my promise. Why, 
I meditated, did he, so well acquainted with my grave 
and matter-of-fact nature, place this unaccountable 
production in my hands? What could have been his 
motive in so doing ? He well knew that I never deal 



INTRODUCTION, 7 

with the absurd or the ridiculous, and yet he has 
placed this ungodly thing in my care ! I deliber- 
ated long whether I should violate my obligation, and 
consign the work to the flames and my>elf to the 
shades of oblivion ; but remembering that he who will- 
fully violates the solemn obligation of a friend is no 
man, but a being ** hateful to both men and gods," I 
reluctantly undertake a long -delayed task, humbly 
trusting that the public, realizing my situation, will 
not condemn me for the promise I am compelled to 
fulfill. While I am confident the work w^ll meet a 
hearty reception among a certain class of persons, I 
am equally fearful that vengeful sputterings and even 
storms will burst from the opposite cla^s. 

Really, reader, this is a ticklish business ! For I 
well know, from the teachings of an old bachelor 
uncle, that earth hath no terror like an angry woman 
(or hell either). In the light of this I can not help 
admiring the wisdom of Ura Story in delaying the 
publication of the Dream of Bachelors until after his 
death. 

In order, however, that the reader may arrive at a 
proper appreciation of the poem, I deem the following 
statement necessary : Certain liberal-hearted old bach- 



8 ' INTRODUCTION: 

elors, noting the cruelty and tyranny to which their 
race was subjected by the opposite sex, resolved upon 
a means of alleviating their misfortunes, and organ- 
ized a " Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bach- 
elors." The laws of the Society required its members 
to renounce the fair sex, and as far as possible pre- 
vent men from entering into matrimony, in order to 
punish the '* lovely dames" for flirting with men and 
jilting them. There w^as a law condemning any woman 
to death '^ who deliberately, with premeditation and 
mischief aforethought, enticed, persuaded, or ogled any 
member of the Society into matrimony without the 
written permission of the Chief." The punishment 
w^as also similar for *' flirting with or jilting any mem- 
ber." Although they are just laws for grave offenses, 
I have yet to hear of the first woman being offered 
up on their altar of justice. Indeed, it rather appears 
that the jilted is the one to whom death has resulted. 

This Society, as it could not help doing, created 
quite an excitement in Hillsboro, as witness the fol- 
lowing found among the notes of Ura Story: 

*' When the reality of this Society became estab- 
lished, crowds of excited and perplexed ladies might 
have been seen in various places, upon the corners of 



INTRODUCTION. 9 

distant streets, at the yard gates of their neighbors, 
and sometiiDes in the middle of the street, earnestly 
discussing it. A stranger passing through the town 
would have thought a national calamity had occurred. 
The ladies ceased to go about as formerly; they be- 
came a scarcity at theaters and festivals and at all 
public entertainments; only at church did they keep 
up any thing like their former attendance. But, alas ! 
the scene inside the church, how altered from its for- 
mer appearance ! A stranger would have observed 
the solemn faces * long drawn out/ and exclaimed, 
*How devotional!' For once in the world's history 
Miss Jones failed to note the cut of Miss Brown's new 
dress, or how gawkily Miss Minnie Years was attired; 
and, heaven be praised! Mrs. Perkins entirely forgot to 
circulate a bit of new scandal she'd been dying to 
tell her acquaintances all morning — their attention be- 
ing so completely monopolized by the haughty lords 
of Hillsboro, the ugliest of whom had of late be- 
come most fascinatingly handsome. It was facetiously 
observed by some of the citizens that the ladies re- 
minded them of a little boy whose father raised him 
in total ignorance of women, in the belief that in so 
doing he would not be so foolish as to spend his time 



10 INTR OD UCTIOK 

■f 

running after them. After he had attained his ma- 
jority his father took him to town to introduce him at 
court. While walking down a street they met some 
young ladies gaily laughing and chatting. The son 
looked at them in perfect astonishment, never having 
seen any before. * Father, what are those beautiful 
things/ he inquired. 'Ah, hush ! my son, hush ! They 
are nothing but geese.' ' Father, please get me a 
goose.' 

**This state of things continued several months, 
when vague Rumor began secretly to whisper — at first 
in dark alleys and on the corners of lonely streets — 
of the organization of a society entitled ^Assertion of 
Woman's Rights.' It gradually became apparent that 
they meditated the most fearful and diabolical punish- 
ment upon the members of the Bachelors' Club, viz., 
that of marrying them ! This announcement filled 
the camp of the bachelors with holy terror." 

Here you have sufficient material to enable you to 
properly appreciate this truly wonderful and fantas- 
tical ** dream " of our dead friend without taxing your 
patience with a further extract, and keeping you 
longer from this delicious morsel, for which I know 
you must by this time be hungering. Reader, such 



INTRODUCTION, 11 

as it is I present it to thee, earnestly praying that 
thou wilt handle it in all human charity. Who knows 
but that, after all, thou mayest derive some consolation 
from it? If not, then, in pity to the dead, throw over 
it the mantle of oblivion, kindly remembering that he 
who thus afflicts thee once can do so no more, having 
gone to answer for this first offense in the hereafter. 

Father Busoni. 
St. Mary'Sj November 4, 1886. 



A DREAM OF BACHELORS. 



When from the plastic hand of God 
A shapeless mass of earth was hurled, 

Revolving through chaotic waste, 
Till it became a splendid world, 

Then Progress spread her pinions out, 
And Darkness fled and Light began, 

And all the empire of the earth 
Was given to the reign of man. 

Then ^gan the wheel of Time to roll, 
Ne'er resting in its fixed career, 

Awaking culture in its course 

In varied things "from year to year, 



14 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

Till man, by learning great and wise, 
Affecting love for human kind, 

To building aid societies 

Did constantly direct his mind; 

So that most wondrous strides were made, 
And institutions famed and grand. 

For charity, for temperance. 

For woman's rights, in all the land 

Proclaim their good works to the world; 

And institutions to prevent 
Cruelty to animals. (Such 

As dogs, pigs, goats are often meant.) 

Besides unnumbered heaps of things, 
For lack of space I can't recite, 

That grew from pity in man's soul — 
All may be wrong, all may be right. 



AN EPIC POEM. 15 

But particular in Hillsboro^ 

County of Hill^ as I can fix, 
A society saw the light 

In the year of grace eighty-six, 

Which thus denominates itself 
In humble, un parading style : 
" Society Preventing Ceuelty 

To Bachelors/^ No trick nor wile 

Is used to win it membership ; 

Its cause, so long neglected, just, 
Needs nothing to recommend it; 

It will succeed because it must. 

As you can guess, to many a face 

It brought a smile long absent there; 

It revived hope in breasts that long 
Had been the playthings of despair. 



16 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

Then universal joy arose^ 

And they were fain to call him Chief 
Who out of his great heart of love 

Gave bachelors this kind relief. 

So long have they been tyrannized 

And made to walk the chalk bv ladies ; 

Compelled to bear refusals, taunts, 
Till life hath grown a very hades. 

O ! they have suffered mortal pangs, 

And wrongs unnumbered have been theirs ! 

They have been roughly used, abused — 
Ah ! who know\s the grief each one bears ? 

Mayhap in lifers fair sunny morn. 
Ere Care, sworn enemy of Joy, 

Had set its seal on them and theirs, 
Sweet Love had been in their employ, 



AN EPIC POEM, IT 

But Fate the cherished idol crushed 
By vows forgot or stroke of death. 

Ah ! sure their lot is sad enough 

Without the jests they stagger 'neath ! 

Last night, while sitting by my fire 
Ruminating long o'er these things, 

And dreaming dreams, as I am wont, 
That extravagant fancy brings, 

And turning in my mind the good 

Far reaching from this Club to spread, 

Sudden I felt my eyelids droop, 
And a great goneness in my head. 

Then grotesque fancies through my brain, 

Like little fairies, ran and played; 

And presently out at my ears 

The elfs began to masquerade ; 
2 



18 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

And, strange to say, the room soon filled 
With tiny men, that ^gan to blow 

^nd swell and lofty looks assume, 
And just like men proud striding go. 

They cut strange antics in the room, 
And ran and frolicked every where. 

And played at hide-and-seek ; and one 
Gay fellow, mounted on a chair. 

And stamping with his tiny foot, 
Commanded silence in the house. 

All in an instant gathered round, 
xA.nd each sat silent as a mouse. 

He then began them to harangue. 
And seemed both eloquent and wise. 

Listening they sat, nudged each other. 
And oft delayed him with sharp cries. 



AN EPIC POEM, 19 

But after while it seemed a film 

Came o^er my eyes, and darkness drew 

O'er mind and body her black veil, 
And nothing further then I knew. 

When next I consciousness regained, 

I stood within a splendid hall, 
Finely furnished with tables, chairs; 

Gay pictures hung along the wall ; 

While at the farther end a throne 
Stood of costliest substance made. 

And on it sat a princely man ; 
Around were many men arrayed. 

It was the strangest crowd, indeed. 
That I had seen for many a day; 

The looks of some were worn, subdued. 
Some passive, and some very gay. 



20 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

They were clad in a peculiar garb, 

Made, I perceived, with greatest care ; 

'T was something new I saw, for lo ! 
There was a dearth of buttons there. 

This thing did me astonish much — 
What order did I there behold? 

What mystic worshipers were these, 

Where all seemed zealous much, none cold? 

My gaze fell then upon a wreath, 

Where cabalistic letters three 
Were suspended above the throne, 

Finely wrought. They were P. C. B. 

Quick I ran over in my mind 

All orders I had ever heard, 
But there were none to mate with this, 

None that were apt or absurd. 



AN EPIC POEM. 21 

I wondered much what they could mean, 
But soon the mystery was explained, 

And light on my perplexed brain 
In kindly splendor slowly rained. 

He who sat upon the throne rose, 
And affably to talk began: 
'' Brethren of the order, whose hearts 
Throb kindly for tyrannized man, 

^* It is with joy we meet again. 

Each with the worthy purpose fired 
To further the good work begun, 

Till we have reached the point desired, 

'^ When bachelors no more shall find 
Cause of woman's cruelty to mourn. 
Perfection yet shall reach the round 

Where they shall know what to be scorned 



22 A DREAM OF BACHELORS. 

*^And have hearts made mere playthings means; 
The solemn oath that we have sworn 
No absolution knows till they 
Do meek, repentant to us turn. 

'^ Six thousand years they ruled the world, 
And many a valiant knight has died 
In camp and court and grove for them — 
Still insatiate remains their pride ! 

"And ready armed they stand to-day, 
New conquests, new glories to boast. 
Hath their ambition, then, no bounds? 
A dangerous sea without a coast ! 

^*But, ah! methinks, my brave compeers, 
Their tyranny is o'er at last; 
The Sun of Reason lights the world; 
Man is aroused ; their reign is past ! 



AN EPIC POEM. 23 

'^ With due discretion on our part^ 
We stand the victors of the fray. 
Tis said, and true, who woman rules 

Can the reigns of strong kingdoms sway. 

'^Therefore let us be -active still, 

For they, like Satan, never sleep; 
They watch each whim, mood, act of man. 
And an eternal vigil keep. 

^^And now let us to business turn; 
First, reports of committees hear, 
And we shall soon acquainted be 

With what there is to praise or fear." 

The report of committees heard 

Did not reveal cause for alarm; 
Then they went through a long routine 

Of things that had not enough charm 



24 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

To keep the brothers all awake^ 
For some began to gape and yawn, 

And some settled down fast asleep, 

And some in blissful dreams were gone. 

One old fellow reclined and snored, 
And muttered incoherent things; 

But from a few stray words I caught, 
I knew that he had mind troublings, 

For ever and anon he 'd say : 
^* Sixteen/^ "smart,'^ ^*sweet/^ and 'Wery nice;^^ 
" Pretty, too/' '' What a splendid wife ! '' 
O, give me her at any price ! '' 



a 



Each likewise from his different post 
Dreamed in his sleep, or if awake, 

A gleam dwelt in his restless eye 
Which fealty to Club will break, 



AN EPIC POEM, 25 

Or poor I understand a man. 

But presently the programme changed, 
And each was called on to relate 

The women^s conduct where he ranged. 

The members now began to wake, 
Sit up, and rub their eyes, and wait 

Attentive, eager to hear all. 

One said, " It is with pain I state 



*^ That yestere'en, as I was going home, 
A neighbor girl did smile at me. 
And almost threw me off my guard. 
But by good luck I passed her free. 



jj 



Another said : ^^A gay young widow 
Looked at me to-day, and asked why 

Was it I had never married ? 

Confused and stammering, said I: 



26 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

^^a^m of the Club of Bachelors; 

Who joins it marrv never mav!' 
* Alas ! ^ she said, ^ now you and I 
Must separate live for aye.' 

^'Reproachful beamed her anxious eyes, 
So that their glance I could not stand, 
And had not, but a brother came. 
Saw me, and lent a helping hand.^^ 

And thus each gave in his report. 
Somewhat alike, yet differing still, 

But all revealing to my mind 

The keen unconquered woman's will. 

Then, all business through, the Chief said 
'' Hath anv member for our weal 
Aught to relate or to suggest ? 
If so, let him the fact reveal.'' 



AN EPIC POEM. 27 

Then uprose one of aspect fair, 

And vain as e^er I saw a man ; 
Looked o^er the house, awed it to quiet, 

And in proud, conscious style began: 

" Most worthy Chief and brethren true ! 
Six months ago our order rose. 
Then with persecutions darkly planned 
We groaned beneath unheard-of woes. 

'' Turn where we would, there woman ruled. 
Haughty, implacable, and vain; 
We, praying favors at her shrine. 
Were forced away, then back again. 

^^ Thus were we playthings in their hands. 
From one to other ruthless tossed, 
And our hearts broken, bruised, bleeding, 
In love affairs were sorely crossed, 



28 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

^^Till injury that point attained 

Where patience could no more endure, 
And we rebelled against her rule, 
Vowing we would be free, secure. 

^' We took a dark and solemn oath, 
Binding ourselves in union strong, 
To resist the wiles of woman 

And the honey-dews of her tongue. 



(( 



And though the task at first was hard, 
Though she, exerting, smiled so sweet, 

All the glories of Paradise 

Did in her smiles and glances meet. 



* Till we fain had said, ^ O, woman. 

Sweet light and glory of the earth ! 
You frown, and heaven^s face is veiled ! 
You smile, and earth is full of mirth ! ' 



AN EPIC POEM, 29 

^^ Yet we remembered still the woes 
Caused by her perfidious art, 
And dread of future woes to come 
Did power to resist impart. 

" We triumphed ! and her witching smile 
Was turned to one of cold disdain ; 
She, sneering, said, ' I do not care ; 
I^m satisfied thus to remain. 

^1^11 never wed one of your Glub. 

So, now, where will you get your wives ? 
Who ni sew your buttons? mend your clothes? 
O, but won't you lead merry lives ! ^ 

^' Temptations strong resisted grow 
Weaker with each failing attack ; 
So her arts withstood lost their might, 
And she in vain has wished us back. 



30 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

^^ But ne'er, till she repentant turns, 
Vows to be true to om forever, 
To use no wiles, no cunning arts, 

Ne'er, ne'er slack shall be our endeavor. 

Here the tyler's sound of alarm 
The unfinished speaker delayed ; 

In listening attitude all turned 
To find why the alarm was made. 

The answer came, surprising all : 
"A crowd of ladies comes this way." 

The speaker, interrupting, cried, 
" Friends, did I not predict this day? 

'' The hour of our revenge has come ! 

Behold, even now they 're at the door ! 
Grown meek and lowly 'neath our rule, 
They come our pardon to implore." 



AN EPIC POEM. 31 

The tyler hurriedly broke in : 
''My friends, I think 'tis time to fly; 
They 're armed with broomsticks, rolling-pins, 
And truly, friends, they 're very nigh." 

Here blank dismay on every face 

Perched like some scared thmg, and sat; 

There were shaking joints, knocking knees. 
And men running this way and that. 

All vaunting epithets forgot; 

The lords of earth were sorely scared. 
Some hid behind desks and chairs. 

And some just simply stood and feared. 

A rapid hubbub at the door 

Now served to make the matter worse ; 
The yielding door gave w^ay, and then — 

The scene that comes defies my verse ! 



A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

A robust maiden heads the throng, 
Her bonnet hanging by the strings; 

She bears a broom whose stormy part 
I Ml wager none more skillful swings. 

In rushing come the motley throng, 
All talking in the highest pitch. 

Such excitement saw I never ! 

And to save me I could n^t tell which 

Was captain of the squad — I mean 

Which woman bossed the ladies' crowd — 

Till one got on a chair and waved 
Her stick, and fiercely cried aloud : 

'^ You all keep still; the men are ours ! 
They have no way left for escape ; 
The woman's club has gained the fort I 
We'll drape this hall in mocking crape !" 



AN EPIC POEM. 33 

Here she turned to address the men; 

But seeing only three or four, [hid/^ 

She quick exclaimM, *^Make search ! they^re 

And then began a fresh uproar. 

They went to looking behind chairs 
And underneath tables and desks^ 

Pulling up men by the nose, hair, 
Or ears, by angry jerks and wrests. 

One got our handsome speaker's nose, 
And drug him from behind a chair — 

She was ugly as gracious knows ! — 
And held the quaking boaster there. 

And a cross-eyed wench caught the Chief 

Trying to hide behind the stand, 

While the old boy that cried " Sixteen '' 

Was held in durance by the hand 
2 



U A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

Of a young girl of sixty years. 

So every maid caught her a man, 
And looked right pleased, as I could judge, 

Though what burlesques on taste they ran ! 

At last, when all the men w^ere caught, 
Their captors ^gan to lecture them, 

And hector'd o'er them in fine style. 
So that they hung their heads in shame. 

Then one entered with a preacher. 
And commanded all to join hands, 

And had them married in a trice ! 
Thus goaded in eternal bands. 

And, ah ! you should have seen the faces 
Of those poor fellows at this stage ! 

Some were almost crying, some plagued ; 
Some looked well pleased, some in a rage ; 



AN EPIC POEM. 35 

Some as they wished the earth would gape 
And hide them from the gaze of men. 

But the women? Not one of them looked sad, 
Or aught indeed but happy then. 

One woman, in a gleeful mood, 

Went thumping with her rolling-pin, 

Commanding silence, that she might 
A timely warning give the men. 

But there was too much merriment 
Among the lovely dames for that ; 

They were so busy passing jokes 
That the madam^s efforts fell flat ; 

And only when she cried aloud, 
i( Preventing cruelty to maids,^^ 
Was order for a space maintained ; 
Then followed lively fusilades 



36 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

Of wit, sarcasm on the men; 

But I observed that she who brought 
The preacher stood sadly apart, 

As one in very painful thought. 

I saw her thus some moments stand, 
Till one of the gay throng saw me, 

And whispered something in her ear ; 
Whereat she turned in sudden glee 

Toward me. And such beauty I vow 
Till then I never gazed upon ! 

But when I divined her intent, 

Fear coursing through my soul did run, 

I turned and fled, although in truth 
I did not want to ; but some fate 

Urged me to fly, and — well I knew 
That if I fled she would pursue ; 



AN EPIC POEM, 37 

Not as Atalanta pursued 

Her suitors with the deadly dart, 

But as Cupid in gleeful mood 

Transfixes with his shaft the heart. 

While something knocking at my heart 
Whispered, in tones most sweet to hear, 
'^ How blest you are, indeed, my boy. 
To be pursued by one so fair ! ^^ 

Where'er I fled, I knew close on 

She, laughing, briskly followed still ; 

Around the room and here and there 
We went, I baffling still her skill. 

Till a dame more unkind than fair, 

Who held toward me some vengeful spite, 

Tripped me up, and sprawling I fell. 
Seized with the demons of affright, 



38 A DREAM OF BACHELORS: 

Down, down through vast infernal leagues, 
Where Darkness and Terror are throned. 

I grasped at all things, to nothing held, 
And in dire misery I groaned, 

And Terror almost slew my life, 
When on my startled vision broke 

A vast rock plain, on which I fell 
In headlong heavy force, and — woke ! 

And in each shadow of my room 
I thought I saw a devil there. 

Grinning malicious in the dark. 
I shook as with an ague ; my hair 

Stood on end while there I sat 
As glued in horror to the floor. 

Until at last the spell was broke 

By Wyche's town-clock striking four ! 



AN EPIC POEM. 

I found that I had been asleep, 
And all the wild fantastic train 

That I had seen was but the child 
Of wayward fancy^s teeming brain ! 

But yet it hath the taint of truth 
Drawn from the color of the time, 

And so let this be my excuse 

For spinning out this lengthy rhyme. 

And let us, brethren of the Club, 
A friendly glass tip to your health : 

Long may your order thrive on earth, 
Increasing your pleasure and wealth ! 

But pardon if I do not join! 

For when I view yon charming flower 
Blooming in Lovers garden unplucked, 

Who can resist its magic power ! 



40 A DREAM OF BACHELORS, 

As much as I esteem your cause, 
A tender sunshine round my soul 

Stealing insensibly doth sway 

My heart beyond my wilPs control. 

And so here ^s at you once again ! 

Small is his courage who would slight 
A proffered friendship and a — lass ! 

Peace be with you ! And so, good night ! 

Ura Story, 



2»,^,(^^ ^ CONGRESS 




